Good News

Although the last few days I've felt quite anxious about things, I resolved to be positive about this and convince myself that whatever happens in Tz, happens. I'll just have to do my best and be flexible, knowing that not all the things I want to get done can get done. And ever since I've adopted that attitude, magical things have happened. Today I heard back from Kate; she agrees that talking about the timeline in person is a better strategy and she is bringing it up at a management meeting this afternoon; should any problems arise, she will let me know. So that's one monkey off my back (almost). Next, I heard back from Alice and she wants to host me at her place until I find a comfortable, safe, and affordable place of my own. Hallejulah! Katie Mitchell, the saint of a friend I met last time I was there, hooked me up with an ex-pat running club, translator/Kiswahili teacher, and American and Australian friends! So I won't be as lonely as I was once predicting I might be. Tonya Muro, another very dear friend, is there now but I won't be able to see her as she'll be moving to Dar in mid-September, but Fran will be there (phew!) and she's been such a help with this whole process. She's like a surrogate advisor and I love her for all her encouragement and support. The best news of it all though is that Alice's brother is interested in being my research assistant! I was incredibly relieved to hear this. If he is anything like his big sister, he is smart, dependable, hard-working and very honest. These are the precise skills I need for my research assistant.

So all this communication has lifted my spirits about my thesis and now I am really psyched to go. I am thinking ahead to the pilot test; I suspect the story-telling exercises won't need to be changed. I think there might be some interesting things going on with the survey and priority/importance scale. I am hoping I can clear that up in just a few days so I can get right into the data collection. That is the most exciting part. Fran says she's already seeing some very interesting things in the students she's been following for four years. When she said that, I desperately wished my study was longitudinal. That is not feasible for my dissertation, but I wonder if there's a way I can continue to follow these boys even after I have finished and graduated. There is so much potential and growth there and I'm very, very curious.

Being Positive

I have just browsed the last few entries and my narrative is so anxious, worried, tentative. Yuck! That is going to change right now. I am so excited for this dissertation. I am up for the challenge; this is what I have always wanted to do. When a dream comes true sometimes it is scary and hard to believe. But I have to remember that this is a real dream come true.

I finished another fellowship application today, so I did give my work lots of thought. I tried to situate my work in the context of international development because that was the focus of the fellowship. It is interesting to have to locate your work in different intellectual camps for the sake of funding.

I'm done for today. Time for a few beers with the kids.

Crazy like Gnarls and the Rorschach

I am back in the saddle now and ready to rumble. It took a while to get back to this mental state but I think I need to be here and remain here as much as possible over the next few months. It's scary and nerve wracking and exciting all at the same time. Things are so unpredictable; I know I am being idealistic about so much of this process and I keep reminding myself to be open to change and challenge.

Speaking of change, I think I may be driving myself crazy with all that I intend to do in such a short amount of time in Tanzania. Mostly it's hard because I need to desperately depend on a research assistant and without a good assistant, the whole thing could easily fall apart. I am optimistic normally, but trying to be realistic and account for the fact that maybe I won't find a good assistant; maybe they'll be flaky or do things the Tanzanian way (which I could learn a thing or two about...and stop trying to be such an over-achiever - but that's obviously a different and longer story for another time). I need to remember that it is natural for me to do things the American way (set deadlines and work towards them; hold other accountable for work) but that way doesn't translate always 100% in Tanzania. How disciplined can I be without turning people off? Can I expect everyone to be on time for all the interviews without turning them off or losing a little bit of trust? Can I be that flexible? Can I let some children fall away? Ideally I'd like everything to be clockwork but when it comes to things in Tanzania, people are often on their own schedules...ones that don't always coincide with mine.

Right now I have 5 TAT assessments planned each day, and 5 Survey and Sentence Completions planned for the 5 kids who did the TATs the day before. Is that crazy? Maybe I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy.

It sounded good at first. I think that's what I'm going to hear myself saying in January. So I'm trying to moderate a bit, take into account that field work always always always changes and seems to have a mind of its own. I am also trying to be okay with the fact that I might have to go away again in the Spring if it's not all done by December.

And that's a whole different issue, once again. This means time away from the boy. Time away from school. Time away from friends and Cambridge and Boston. Time away from the things I love...but more time with different things I love. It's all about change, choice, and tradeoff.

Mr. Desbrisay in high school (biology teacher and running coach) always said that when in doubt the answer is either pH or temperature. Not in this case, my friends. It's all about choice and change. Life's little lessons.

Gender Consideration

I'm simply forcing myself to write today, as I will everyday until I leave for Tanzania. I'm not sure what to write about, but I need to square some time away every day to think of the participants. I haven't heard back from Kate yet about my data collection timeline. I'm not worried yet. But the timeline is intense and I am just praying and hoping that it will all come together. It is a bit nerve wracking to be thinking of this huge project and that I'll be doing most of it alone.

I've given only a cursory thought to the fact that all my kids are boys. I am not analyzing using a gender framework, but I can't ignore the fact that they are all boys. I'll have to talk about this in my introduction; the street child phenomenon, at least in Tanzaniza, is largely a boy issue. The girls are taken into homes to be house girls. But, presumably there would be some gender effect in my study as I have not taken into account gender diversity in the sample. I do wish I could compare the two...though that seems like a whole different study for a whole different time.

I am hoping to spend just a few days on the pilot test. And I am hoping that won't give me too many problems. The survey is translated, but who knows if it is understandable to the children; who knows if they will be answering the questions I would like them to answer. All of this seems like such a matter of interpretation; I'll have to trust that they are in fact answering me. But who knows what is actually going through people's minds when you ask them a question.

A concern I have, that has little to do with my actual study, is how I'm going to warp things in my mind about life in Boston. This happens every time, and when I return I am startled to see and feel how different things are to how I remembered them. How does the brain do that?